And We Will Know You By Your Candy

Tell me what kind of candy you give out for Halloween, and I’ll tell you who you are.

I’m already anticipating our kids returning from trick or treating, worn down and sugared up. My wife will help them organize their candy into piles.

And we’ll know the people, as we know the candy.

Regular size candy bars – Snickers. Almond Joy. Those who hand these out are strong and confident.

King size candy bars – Yes, these people may be pretentious, but they will automatically be added to our Christmas card list.

Chocolate knockoffs – the candy equivalent of a fake Coach purse. As you get closer, you notice the difference. Snicklers. Two Musketeers. And once you bite down, you’ll know the person handing them out is just as fake as the candy.

Candy cigarettes – Anything that has my kids asking for mentholated can’t be good.

Hard candies – Either give out candy or don’t. But don’t mock us.

Wax bottles with colored liquid –These people should just give out candles. At least we can floss with the wick afterwards.

Circus peanuts – Never trust a food called something it isn’t. Or the person who gives it out.

Fruit – There is a special place reserved in my mind for these people. It’s dark, damp, and filled with spiders.

Pennies – If you’re going to give money, give singles. Otherwise, take your precious pennies and BUY SOME REAL CANDY!

Remember, what you give out this Halloween is a reflection of who you are. So, know that we’ll be out there. Waiting to ring your doorbell. To see if you’ll pass the most fundamental test of humanity.

Giving out good candy on Halloween.

Yes, we’ll be waiting.

And watching.